I was feeling especially vulnerable earlier this week and have been vacillating about whether or not I wanted to write about this on my blog. I thought about sharing something more upbeat and light, but then I remembered that part of the reason I’m writing this blog is so I can share ALL of my journey with those who are interested in reading about it – the “external” aspects of my life here on the Ranch as well as the internal process of what it’s like to adjust to a whole new sub-culture and this life that is so different from what I’m used to!!
I remember the first time I was in Guatemala and started feeling a bit sad, lonely and “funky” at about 5 or 6 weeks. A friend of mine who had lived overseas for long periods of time emailed me and said something to the effect of “…don’t worry – you’ve just reached a transition point in your travels….it happens to everyone who travels at length or moves to a foreign country!!” And she was right! Every move I’ve made and every extended journey I’ve been on seems to bring me to a point when the honeymoon period is over – when all the newness, excitement and unique experiences have subsided – but the stability and normalcy that eventually get established have yet to arrive!
It’s the “gap” between the two lives – leaving behind the life you are familiar with (the one you’ve become comfortable with) – and the life you are beginning to build that has not yet taken shape and form enough to see how it’s all going to turn out! That’s where I’ve been the last few days! It’s not a bad place, it’s just a “funky” place….missing all that’s familiar to me (friends, family, my “home” – wherever that is!!), and not yet feeling comfortable in my skin in this new place.
It’s been especially challenging not having a phone so I can easily call or text those who are familiar to me – to alleviate the loneliness that sometimes washes over me like a huge wave when I least expect it. But intuitively, I know this is GOOD FOR ME and this is part of why I’ve chosen THIS journey at this time!! It’s so easy for me to focus on other peoples’ needs, opinions, and lives that I don’t allow time to just BE in my own skin.
My time here at the Ranch reminds me of when I was at Lake Atitlan in Guatemala – no phone, no Internet service (other than going into town a few times a week), and nothing to distract me from focusing on whatever feelings arose during that time. It was scary and a little bit lonely at times, but it was also a time filled with growth, a deeper understanding of myself, and a lot of writing! (And at least here, I haven’t had to deal with killing any scorpions on my own like I did the first few nights I was in my “room with a view” on the shores of Lake Atitlan!!)
So this is what I’ve realized thus far as I’ve pondered life here on the Ranch…. I don’t “DO” shallow conversations very well – I don’t find them meaningful or fulfilling. I’m so used to being with people who WANT to share about their journey (what makes them happy, what makes them sad, and what has brought them to where they are in their lives), but sharing feelings and deeper thoughts just doesn’t seem to be a priority for a lot of the people I’ve met thus far.
I’ve found a few people who are willing to go a little beyond the surface in their conversations, but for most of the employees it appears to be a “sorting out period” where people are sizing each other up – trying to decide if they want to become closer and have deeper conversations or not! It seems to be an instinctual facet of human nature to want to keep our distance from one-another until we “sense” who we can trust (whether we are consciously aware of it or not). And then again there are some who probably won’t ever want to go deep….and I’m just going to have to be okay with that!
But just as I would do my best to adapt to the “norm” in a foreign culture, I’ve decided to try and understand what is meaningful to the people here on the Ranch. I’m realizing that to go deeper with some people here, it might be about “listening with new ears” – hearing what’s meaningful to them rather than trying to get them to talk about what’s meaningful to me. For example, I had this great conversation with one of the Guides last week about his perspective on the “sacredness” of the hunt. He talked about how he tries to honor the animal he has just killed – respecting the fact that this animal has lost its life so his family can eat! It reminded me of some of the Native American stories on the rituals they would perform before and after “the hunt” – honoring the animals they were about to kill and asking for permission to take their lives to feed their tribe. It’s a whole different perspective, but it seems to be (at some level) a form of sharing intimately about something that’s sacred and meaningful to these hunters.
So that’s my goal for the week – to remain open to whatever conversations come about and trust that if I “listen with new ears” and try to see life from a different perspective, I might find that I learn new things every day!! AND, it doesn’t hurt that I found a new “coffee buddy” – Mikaela!! She’s one of the other front desk associates and is reading a book on Bonhoeffer (so I KNOW she can go deep!!). She’s invited me to go hang out with her at a coffee shop in Raton and just chat – or read – or whatever….and this makes me VERY happy!!
Love to you all – and more later…
I remember the first time I was in Guatemala and started feeling a bit sad, lonely and “funky” at about 5 or 6 weeks. A friend of mine who had lived overseas for long periods of time emailed me and said something to the effect of “…don’t worry – you’ve just reached a transition point in your travels….it happens to everyone who travels at length or moves to a foreign country!!” And she was right! Every move I’ve made and every extended journey I’ve been on seems to bring me to a point when the honeymoon period is over – when all the newness, excitement and unique experiences have subsided – but the stability and normalcy that eventually get established have yet to arrive!
It’s the “gap” between the two lives – leaving behind the life you are familiar with (the one you’ve become comfortable with) – and the life you are beginning to build that has not yet taken shape and form enough to see how it’s all going to turn out! That’s where I’ve been the last few days! It’s not a bad place, it’s just a “funky” place….missing all that’s familiar to me (friends, family, my “home” – wherever that is!!), and not yet feeling comfortable in my skin in this new place.
It’s been especially challenging not having a phone so I can easily call or text those who are familiar to me – to alleviate the loneliness that sometimes washes over me like a huge wave when I least expect it. But intuitively, I know this is GOOD FOR ME and this is part of why I’ve chosen THIS journey at this time!! It’s so easy for me to focus on other peoples’ needs, opinions, and lives that I don’t allow time to just BE in my own skin.
My time here at the Ranch reminds me of when I was at Lake Atitlan in Guatemala – no phone, no Internet service (other than going into town a few times a week), and nothing to distract me from focusing on whatever feelings arose during that time. It was scary and a little bit lonely at times, but it was also a time filled with growth, a deeper understanding of myself, and a lot of writing! (And at least here, I haven’t had to deal with killing any scorpions on my own like I did the first few nights I was in my “room with a view” on the shores of Lake Atitlan!!)
So this is what I’ve realized thus far as I’ve pondered life here on the Ranch…. I don’t “DO” shallow conversations very well – I don’t find them meaningful or fulfilling. I’m so used to being with people who WANT to share about their journey (what makes them happy, what makes them sad, and what has brought them to where they are in their lives), but sharing feelings and deeper thoughts just doesn’t seem to be a priority for a lot of the people I’ve met thus far.
I’ve found a few people who are willing to go a little beyond the surface in their conversations, but for most of the employees it appears to be a “sorting out period” where people are sizing each other up – trying to decide if they want to become closer and have deeper conversations or not! It seems to be an instinctual facet of human nature to want to keep our distance from one-another until we “sense” who we can trust (whether we are consciously aware of it or not). And then again there are some who probably won’t ever want to go deep….and I’m just going to have to be okay with that!
But just as I would do my best to adapt to the “norm” in a foreign culture, I’ve decided to try and understand what is meaningful to the people here on the Ranch. I’m realizing that to go deeper with some people here, it might be about “listening with new ears” – hearing what’s meaningful to them rather than trying to get them to talk about what’s meaningful to me. For example, I had this great conversation with one of the Guides last week about his perspective on the “sacredness” of the hunt. He talked about how he tries to honor the animal he has just killed – respecting the fact that this animal has lost its life so his family can eat! It reminded me of some of the Native American stories on the rituals they would perform before and after “the hunt” – honoring the animals they were about to kill and asking for permission to take their lives to feed their tribe. It’s a whole different perspective, but it seems to be (at some level) a form of sharing intimately about something that’s sacred and meaningful to these hunters.
So that’s my goal for the week – to remain open to whatever conversations come about and trust that if I “listen with new ears” and try to see life from a different perspective, I might find that I learn new things every day!! AND, it doesn’t hurt that I found a new “coffee buddy” – Mikaela!! She’s one of the other front desk associates and is reading a book on Bonhoeffer (so I KNOW she can go deep!!). She’s invited me to go hang out with her at a coffee shop in Raton and just chat – or read – or whatever….and this makes me VERY happy!!
Love to you all – and more later…
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