I’m always intrigued when the outside world seems to reflect my inside world (or at least I’m able to draw similarities between the two!!) – and the last few weeks have been all about dryness and rain!! The thing that has bothered me the most (externally) since my arrival here are the dry, dusty, drought conditions on the Ranch (and in New Mexico in general). It was like every time I looked outside and saw those dry, yellow, dusty fields outside my window, it reminded me of how I felt inside – dry, dusty and not nourished in the same way I have been in the past!
Since my trip to Taos with Sheryl a couple weeks ago, we have FINALLY been getting rain just about every afternoon – and it is a beautiful sight to see – incredible (and LOUD) thunder and buckets of rain swooping in and leaving us with a breath of fresh, cool air!! The fields are now a lush green which makes me smile, and I have been feeling that same nourishing rain inside of me as I have finally come to terms with the “drought conditions” my heart has tolerated since my arrival here a couple months ago!! I think being with Sheryl really helped me finally get “grounded” again and remember who I am and what’s important to me. I've been frustrated (and amazed) since my arrival here at how quickly I was “thrown for a loop” and seemed unable to get centered within the Self I have nurtured over the past 10-15 years!! It was like no matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to get the judgments, criticisms and opinions of others out of my head!!
Recently, I’ve been able to make deeper connections with some of the people here, but it’s been a real challenge for me to find “my kind of people” – those who are open, loving, compassionate and ready to share their inner selves. Sadly, connecting with others on a deeper level has not happened as naturally or as easily here as it has in most of the other places I’ve been in the last 15 years. I guess I was fortunate during that time to have been surrounded by kind, loving, compassionate, open people!
I have to wonder, though, if not being able to connect with my co-workers as easily is partly my responsibility because I haven't opened up as much as I normally would in a new environment, and maybe that’s why I say it feels like I “lost myself” for a bit – unable to get centered or grounded in who I know myself to be!! I think when I first got here and was fresh, open and curious about everyone (just like I always am when I travel to a new place), I felt knocked down and crushed by some of the dynamics of the people here. I could tell that some people found my curiosity invasive and weren’t used to sharing themselves so openly – so they “bit me” to get me to back off (i.e. they were mean to me and made fun of me behind my back….but I can “read” people so well that I knew they were making fun of me – and that hurt)!! So I went into my shell and decided to have as little to do with “those people” as possible (which can be quite a challenge when you’re working, living AND eating with all the same people)!!
What I’ve realized over the last few weeks is that I was doing to them what they were doing to me – judging them without giving them the benefit of the doubt, and putting them all into the same category without seeing each individual for who they are! I’ve always prided myself on doing my best not to judge people because I know how painful it is to be on the “receiving end” of that judgment. I have always tried to give people the benefit-of-the-doubt – attempting to maintain a perspective of curiosity about each person and finding within them that “specialness” so I can connect with them (rather than focusing on our differences). Needless to say, I am certainly being given the opportunity to really challenge my value-system of loving instead of judging since my arrival here!
On the other hand, I think it’s also about learning boundaries (which has always been one of my weak spots)!! Someone told me a few years ago that one of my biggest challenges in life is that I’m probably “empathic” and thus, I pick up on people’s beliefs about who I am – “owning them” as my own – and am unable to differentiate my thoughts from their thoughts. In many situations, I have a tendency to actually give MORE credence to the perspectives of others about who I am than who I KNOW myself to be!! That completely resonated with me, and I’ve been consciously aware of that tendency for the last few years – learning how to differentiate the perspectives of others from my own – and setting boundaries about who I THINK I AM versus who others think I am (or should be)!!
My whole life I’ve vacillated between being “oppositional” (attempting to “be my own person”) with the alternative – putting the opinions of others (and their beliefs about me) before my own. If someone told me I was “too….whatever” I believed them and did my best to change that characteristic about myself (or fought against it and did the opposite just to prove them wrong)!! It never dawned on me that their perspective was just that – THEIR mental construct about me – not necessarily “the truth” about who I am, but just their BELIEFS about me!
I am a firm believer that wherever we are and whatever we are experiencing in life, it’s all about the LESSON – and the growth opportunities to integrate our Soul/spiritual perspective with our physical/worldly perspective. Fortunately for me, with all the nourishing rain outside making the world around me a greener (and happier) place for me to be, I’ve also been feeling much more nourished inside. Finding my Center again and holding onto what I value has been really helpful in seeing the good in others around me.
In the past, each time I found myself in a situation where I was in pain or not happy, I tried to find the lesson (the “growth edge” so to speak), and did my best to love that person no matter how they treated me. This time, however, I seem to have been stuck in the place of judging others – not trusting them and not being willing to love them unconditionally because I feared they would hurt me by saying mean things to me (or about me)!! So maybe this is the “marathon” of all the short races I’ve been running to learn how to love others unconditionally – no matter what – and no matter how many of them don’t like me!!
When I was going through my Master’s program, we had an assignment that was something along the lines of: “observe and track the change in peoples’ behaviors based upon changing YOUR attitude towards them.” It was fascinating to track (and hear stories from others in my class) how dramatically peoples’ behaviors had changed over the months we were tracking those who, previously, we had been challenged by in our relationships! Similarly, what I have noticed at the Ranch is that since I have felt more “grounded” and back to my usual self – looking for the best in others and sending them love energetically (even if they are grouchy or unkind to me that day) – it’s amazing how different it feels to interact with those around me!
So I guess what I’m saying is this….it’s been a challenging journey the last couple months being around people who didn’t automatically love me and think I’m great (not that everyone HAS to love me, but people usually like me – so it’s difficult for me when they don’t)!! But the learning opportunity for me has been to remember that no matter what other people think of me – and no matter how they treat me – I AM the one who is responsible for how I feel every moment of every day!! It’s a decision I have to make within MYSELF about how I feel – do I feel hurt, angry, or unkind in response to the same behavior coming from others? Or will I choose to take the “road less traveled” and show love and kindness to people who (in their pain and frustration) can sometimes be mean, sarcastic and short-tempered with me?
They say that our greatest teachers are the ones that are the most difficult for us to deal with, so I guess I should take a moment and be grateful for the people around me who are challenging me to GROW and become stronger within myself – those who are giving me the gift of mirroring for me what needs to change within ME!! It appears to be “all about them” (the people who I have judged as being mean to me), but inside I know that it’s always about me and my journey – and how I am responding to the “mirrors” around me that are showing me where I need to grow!!
As I’ve said to myself and others many times, “life is a journey, not a destination” – and I have a feeling that this “leg” of the journey will teach me to stand on my own two feet and stop worrying so much about what other people think of me! A lack of clear boundaries, not knowing fully who I am and what I want from life, and “impression management” are all areas of my life that I have had difficulty with, so maybe this is an opportunity to grow the muscles within me that keep me from being whole and complete in my interactions with others – standing firm in who I am and what I believe, but doing so in a kind, loving, compassionate manner.
Until next time, my friends….
Since my trip to Taos with Sheryl a couple weeks ago, we have FINALLY been getting rain just about every afternoon – and it is a beautiful sight to see – incredible (and LOUD) thunder and buckets of rain swooping in and leaving us with a breath of fresh, cool air!! The fields are now a lush green which makes me smile, and I have been feeling that same nourishing rain inside of me as I have finally come to terms with the “drought conditions” my heart has tolerated since my arrival here a couple months ago!! I think being with Sheryl really helped me finally get “grounded” again and remember who I am and what’s important to me. I've been frustrated (and amazed) since my arrival here at how quickly I was “thrown for a loop” and seemed unable to get centered within the Self I have nurtured over the past 10-15 years!! It was like no matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to get the judgments, criticisms and opinions of others out of my head!!
Recently, I’ve been able to make deeper connections with some of the people here, but it’s been a real challenge for me to find “my kind of people” – those who are open, loving, compassionate and ready to share their inner selves. Sadly, connecting with others on a deeper level has not happened as naturally or as easily here as it has in most of the other places I’ve been in the last 15 years. I guess I was fortunate during that time to have been surrounded by kind, loving, compassionate, open people!
I have to wonder, though, if not being able to connect with my co-workers as easily is partly my responsibility because I haven't opened up as much as I normally would in a new environment, and maybe that’s why I say it feels like I “lost myself” for a bit – unable to get centered or grounded in who I know myself to be!! I think when I first got here and was fresh, open and curious about everyone (just like I always am when I travel to a new place), I felt knocked down and crushed by some of the dynamics of the people here. I could tell that some people found my curiosity invasive and weren’t used to sharing themselves so openly – so they “bit me” to get me to back off (i.e. they were mean to me and made fun of me behind my back….but I can “read” people so well that I knew they were making fun of me – and that hurt)!! So I went into my shell and decided to have as little to do with “those people” as possible (which can be quite a challenge when you’re working, living AND eating with all the same people)!!
What I’ve realized over the last few weeks is that I was doing to them what they were doing to me – judging them without giving them the benefit of the doubt, and putting them all into the same category without seeing each individual for who they are! I’ve always prided myself on doing my best not to judge people because I know how painful it is to be on the “receiving end” of that judgment. I have always tried to give people the benefit-of-the-doubt – attempting to maintain a perspective of curiosity about each person and finding within them that “specialness” so I can connect with them (rather than focusing on our differences). Needless to say, I am certainly being given the opportunity to really challenge my value-system of loving instead of judging since my arrival here!
On the other hand, I think it’s also about learning boundaries (which has always been one of my weak spots)!! Someone told me a few years ago that one of my biggest challenges in life is that I’m probably “empathic” and thus, I pick up on people’s beliefs about who I am – “owning them” as my own – and am unable to differentiate my thoughts from their thoughts. In many situations, I have a tendency to actually give MORE credence to the perspectives of others about who I am than who I KNOW myself to be!! That completely resonated with me, and I’ve been consciously aware of that tendency for the last few years – learning how to differentiate the perspectives of others from my own – and setting boundaries about who I THINK I AM versus who others think I am (or should be)!!
My whole life I’ve vacillated between being “oppositional” (attempting to “be my own person”) with the alternative – putting the opinions of others (and their beliefs about me) before my own. If someone told me I was “too….whatever” I believed them and did my best to change that characteristic about myself (or fought against it and did the opposite just to prove them wrong)!! It never dawned on me that their perspective was just that – THEIR mental construct about me – not necessarily “the truth” about who I am, but just their BELIEFS about me!
I am a firm believer that wherever we are and whatever we are experiencing in life, it’s all about the LESSON – and the growth opportunities to integrate our Soul/spiritual perspective with our physical/worldly perspective. Fortunately for me, with all the nourishing rain outside making the world around me a greener (and happier) place for me to be, I’ve also been feeling much more nourished inside. Finding my Center again and holding onto what I value has been really helpful in seeing the good in others around me.
In the past, each time I found myself in a situation where I was in pain or not happy, I tried to find the lesson (the “growth edge” so to speak), and did my best to love that person no matter how they treated me. This time, however, I seem to have been stuck in the place of judging others – not trusting them and not being willing to love them unconditionally because I feared they would hurt me by saying mean things to me (or about me)!! So maybe this is the “marathon” of all the short races I’ve been running to learn how to love others unconditionally – no matter what – and no matter how many of them don’t like me!!
When I was going through my Master’s program, we had an assignment that was something along the lines of: “observe and track the change in peoples’ behaviors based upon changing YOUR attitude towards them.” It was fascinating to track (and hear stories from others in my class) how dramatically peoples’ behaviors had changed over the months we were tracking those who, previously, we had been challenged by in our relationships! Similarly, what I have noticed at the Ranch is that since I have felt more “grounded” and back to my usual self – looking for the best in others and sending them love energetically (even if they are grouchy or unkind to me that day) – it’s amazing how different it feels to interact with those around me!
So I guess what I’m saying is this….it’s been a challenging journey the last couple months being around people who didn’t automatically love me and think I’m great (not that everyone HAS to love me, but people usually like me – so it’s difficult for me when they don’t)!! But the learning opportunity for me has been to remember that no matter what other people think of me – and no matter how they treat me – I AM the one who is responsible for how I feel every moment of every day!! It’s a decision I have to make within MYSELF about how I feel – do I feel hurt, angry, or unkind in response to the same behavior coming from others? Or will I choose to take the “road less traveled” and show love and kindness to people who (in their pain and frustration) can sometimes be mean, sarcastic and short-tempered with me?
They say that our greatest teachers are the ones that are the most difficult for us to deal with, so I guess I should take a moment and be grateful for the people around me who are challenging me to GROW and become stronger within myself – those who are giving me the gift of mirroring for me what needs to change within ME!! It appears to be “all about them” (the people who I have judged as being mean to me), but inside I know that it’s always about me and my journey – and how I am responding to the “mirrors” around me that are showing me where I need to grow!!
As I’ve said to myself and others many times, “life is a journey, not a destination” – and I have a feeling that this “leg” of the journey will teach me to stand on my own two feet and stop worrying so much about what other people think of me! A lack of clear boundaries, not knowing fully who I am and what I want from life, and “impression management” are all areas of my life that I have had difficulty with, so maybe this is an opportunity to grow the muscles within me that keep me from being whole and complete in my interactions with others – standing firm in who I am and what I believe, but doing so in a kind, loving, compassionate manner.
Until next time, my friends….
Comments
Post a Comment